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Tonight I’ll try the Watermelon flavor. Let’s cross our fingers that I don’t black out. It’s a pale pink in color, slightly sparkly. It has a bouquet of fake watermelon flavoring and malt liquor, but I suppose that’s what we should expect.

It’s flavor is… My first impression is watermelon-flavored hairspray. But let’s be more charitable. The flavor is very strong fake watermelon. Like a Jolly Rancher. My friend Julie could probably name the chemical that gives it that flavoring, but she’s not answering my text at the moment. Upon a second tasting, more appropriate to a oenophile such as myself, I detect notes of bold red apple, red berries, and hints of kiwi and mango. The typical flavors associated with most sugary energy drinks is also present; I don’t believe there’s anything that can cover that taurine flavor. The carbonation is pretty fizzy; even after just a couple of sips, I produced some furious belches. One of the burps brought up a flavor of the salmon patties I ate for dinner. It’s not a pleasant combination with the watermelon.

But of course, with a beverage product like this, the flavor is only half of the experience. Going in, I confess to being a bit sleepy, having woken early to vote, and then working a ten hour shift. While there are no numbers that I can find on the internet, its makers say that it is equivalent to a cup of coffee per can, roughly 100-110mg of caffeine. At this point I’m halfway through the can, and waiting for a caffeine kick to take effect.

I’m the sort of person who drinks whisky straight, and has put down a bottle of wine in a night on occasion, so I’m wondering how this will affect me. The alcohol content is roughly equivalent to four or five beers in one 23.5 oz can. I’m now 2/3rds the way through this can, and starting to feel a bit of fuzziness. I’m laughing at Jeff’s obscene onion ring dip joke, so that’s a sign. I’m not feeling much more wakeful, but perhaps the caffeine is working more on counteracting the alcohol content than waking me up.

To quote Wesley Crusher in a particularly not-good episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, “I feel strange, but also good.” And, that’s how I feel, after finishing the first can. Which is why I’m opening the second can. Also, because Cory challenged me to. This time: fruit punch.

The fruit punch flavor, I will say, I like better than the watermelon. It still tastes like hair spray, but now it tastes like hair spray and a better quality of Jolly Rancher. Now I am laughing waaaaay too hard at Jeff’s He-Man related “Man-E-Lokos” joke, which means this shit is doing its job. Anyway. Color: A darker pink color from the watermelon. The nose? Generic fruity flavors I suppose. That sort of fruitiness that no fruit on earth smells like. Let’s dig into the flavors shall we? The flavor is quite a bit like Hawaiian Punch. Amazingly so. And of course, the energy drink/malt liquor flavor on top of the Hawaiian Punch flavor.

How do I feel, a can and a half into Four Lokos? Time for a sit-rep. I’m pretty well-buzzed at this point. The caffeine is helping to fight off the drunk feeling. But I’m starting to get sleepy, so it’s not helping enough. I suppose I’m doing better than Cory, but he drank a Loko, had three or four beers, than slammed his second Loko. Whereas I prefer to savor. Or whatever it is you do with a Loko.

Is that a tinge of heartburn I’m feeling? I believe that is. Nearly done with the second can, and I’m starting to get a tummy ache. Not like a “I’m gonna throw up” tummy ache. More like a “I ate too much Burger King” tummy ache. Too much sugar, too much bubbles, and too much of the energy drink stuff, I think. Definitely getting a stomach ache.

It’s now two hours since I started this review. I’ve finished my 47 ounces of Four Lokos. And I’d argue that yes, I am pretty well drunk off this. Not trashed. Not blackout drunk. Not gonna-get-knocked-up-behind-the-middle-school trashed. But pretty well drunk. And my breathing’s gotten pretty noisy, I notice. So yes, Four Lokos has done it’s job. I’m gonna take an Excedrin and go to bed. Good night.

Also check out Chomp co-author Beerorkid’s video review of Loko

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6. Any Ma & Pa joint – Really, most small, one-off, ma & pa type cafes serve a pretty tasty burger. Places that specialize in sit-down American comfort food rarely screw it up much if at all. Sometimes you can get a burger that is very close to what you’d make at your own home. Of these, I’ll mention the Broken Spoke in South Austin. They serve a surprisingly good burger. The steak fries they put on the plate are also good. Large and crisp. Like a proper truckstop or roadside cafe. Like Mr. James M. White says “When you order your hamburger, don’t ask for “gray poop-on”. You’re getting the real mustard here!”

5. Whataburger – I know, it’s a fast-food chain and I’m supposed to hate it. But I don’t. I think they make yummy burgers. I’ll stop there a million times before I’ll stop at McDonalds or Burger King, etc. (Though I do kind of like Jack in the Box. I’ll give them an honorable shout-out. They have a non-menu item called the “Big Texas Cheeseburger” that pleases me very much.)  Whataburger serves sweet tea, which makes me happy. They are very willing to make the burgers the way you want them. Every 6 weeks or so they come out with a new sandwich. Either with beef or chicken. Bassist Kevin Smith and I have a tradition of taste-testing the new sandwiches. Most Whataburgers are 24 hr. restaurants. Most have 24 hr. dining rooms. I like that. I work late at night and I appreciate them being willing to take my money into the wee-wee hours. From 11p to 11a they serve what they call “taquitos”. They are cheap and delicious. If you’re full of beer and you need to get some food in your belly for the long drive home there is nothing better. Whataburger originated in Corpus Christi Texas. I’ve been to the home base store. They are widely located throughout the American Southwest.   http://www.whataburger.com/

4. Mighty Fine Burger – I know of only two or three locations, and they are all in the Austin, Texas area. Sorry America. They are really tasty. Fresh never frozen. Hand-cut fries fresh from real taters every day. Real Bluebell ice cream shakes. What more could you want? I’ll tell you what more – how about a lower price? A regular burger combo (no shake) runs over $10. In this day and age that’s too high. A little rich for my blood. Add on a fresh-squeezed lemonade (they are awesome!) or one of those killer Bluebell Shakes and you’re staring straight down the barrel of a $15 meal buddy. A lot of the things I really like about Mighty Fine Burger have nothing to do with the food. First of all I like the name. Inspired by the joke concept band  Lester \”Roadhog\” Moran and the Cadillac Cowboys my boss, Brian Hofeldt has also adopted “Mighty Fine” as a catch phrase. I know a drunken steel player who says it all the time too, often times inappropriately. But that is also a topic for another post. The name “Mighty Fine” reminds me of happy times and makes me laugh. Secondly, they have an automatic hand washer.It’s just two holes you stick your hands in. Little brushes activate automatically and scrub and sanitize your hands. It’s the greatest thing ever. Going along with that cleanliness theme, the bathroom doors have little hooks near the bottom so you can open them without touching them with your hands. That’s innovation! Thirdly, and speaking of the bathrooms, just over the urinals in the men’s room is a giant one-way window. It allows you to veiw the dining room while you’re taking care of your nasty business. Of course the diners can’t see through it. Form that room it just looks like a big mirror. It gives some fellas performance anxiety, but I have grown fond of it. http://www.mightyfineburgers.com/

3. Five Guys Burgers – This is another place that follows all the fresh, never frozen trends. I like it. I think they started out in the East, and they are quickly taking over the country. When you wait in line they provide peanuts to snack on. I can appreciate that, but I’ve never had to wait in line at a Five Guys location. They serve sweet tea, but it’s from a mix and it doesn’t taste real great to me. The burger they serve has a lot of meat in it. It’s a tasty, thick, juicy patty. The cheese is melty and yellow. That’s the most I can say for it. It’s not particularly yummy. It reminds me of velveeta. With quality and freshness being all the rage, their cheese  is easily the weak link in their chain. One of the best and worst aspects of the burger combo meal at Five Guys is the fries. I think without fail, every review I’ve ever seen about this restaurant complains about the fries in some way. They are of moderate size. Larger than most fries, but not quite as big as a steak fry. The thing I like about them is that they taste like a potato. I know that sounds really stupid, but the Five Guys fries actually taste more like potatoes than salt or cooking oil. I don’t think I’ve ever had a fry that tasted so much like a potato. It’s surprising really. To me anyway… The portions are huge. Way too big for most people. No one wants to eat that many fries. Once they get cold, they get very soft and mushy. They don’t last very long. So the large portion kind of works against itself in that regard. Buy the fries. They’re great. But don’t plan to eat them all – you’ll only regret it.   http://www.fiveguys.com

2. In-N-Out Burger – Oh In-N-Out, how I love you. I think about you. I dream about you. I miss you. I have the chance to go work in California at least once a year. I always prioritize a stop at In-N-Out. I got to know about it from watching The Big Lebowski. The first time I went, a radio DJ drove me in his car to the location by LAX airport. So good. The lines are always long. For the longest time they were only found in California. Apparently the company would not build a store more than a day’s drive from SoCal. They never freeze their beef. In-N-Out has a secret menu. It’s listed on their website. A “3×3″ is three beef patties and three slices of cheese. You can get a 4×4,  a 5×5… ad infinitum. I like to get a double-double done animal style. Animal style adds gill’t onions to your burger and they dump their special sauce on your burger and over your fries. It’s excellent. In-N-Out isn’t just tasty and delicious though, it’s also very cheap. I love everything about it. I stopped on my way home once on I-10. I just happened onto store #1. The original In-N-Out. Located on the property is the corporate gift shop and In-N-Out-U, their version of Hamburger University. I’m happy to report that this chain now has locations in Phoenix and Tucson and they are building a store in Dallas (!) The closer they get, the happier I am. For some reason, this chain feels the need to print bible verses on their paper containers. They aren’t obvious. You really have to look to find them. That turns some people off. Oh well…  http://www.in-n-out.com

1. P. Terry’s – My current favorite. They have a sign as you leave the drive-thru that says “See you tomorrow”. That has been the case for me more than once! Basically it’s the same thing as In-N-Out. They have the fresh, never frozen ideals, blah blah blah. But they are also cheap. It doesn’t cost extra to get extra toppings. The fries are cut small, smaller than McDonald’s fries. The portion you get of fries is on the larger size, but I can usually power through. I don’t like the fry flavor as much as Five Guys’ but they stay crisp and that makes it all worthwhile. Until In-N-Out makes it to my neighborhood, this is going to be my burger of choice. The thing that really puts them over the top for me is the fact that they serve Dublin Dr Pepper*. That is, Dr Pepper that is made with Imperial cane sugar instead of HFCS. Just like it was made long ago. I’ve really come to like Dublin Dr Pepper. The taste difference is subtle but noticeable. P. Terry’s also serves thick shakes that are wonderful. They have indoor and outdoor seating at one location and only outdoor seating at the other location. This is the burger place I take people to when they are in town on vacation. http://pterrys.com/

*Properly spelled, the name Dr Pepper has no period in it. I read this a number of years ago in a Cecil Adams “Straight Dope” article. I found the fact to be very interesting. It’s also interesting to me to notice when this fact is observed and ignored. The signage at P. Terry’s indeed does include a period in the name. I have not written the company to let them know of the mistake. I’ll just keep that between me and you…

LET'S EAT!!

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