Four is a company that makes caffeinated alcoholic malt beverages. It’s Loko brand has rapidly gained popularity, and so I thought i’d give it a try. It comes in nine flavors, fruit punch, orange blend, grape, watermelon, blue raspberry, kiwi strawberry, lemonade, cranberry lemonade and lemon lime. They only had Fruit Punch and Watermelon at my local liquor store (Moran’s, on 34th and A in Lincoln), so I grabbed one of each.

Coming in a 23.5 oz can, it weighs in at 12% ABV (though it varies from state to state, based on local laws), and is named for its four main ingredients, caffeine, taurine, guarana, and alcohol. According to Wikipedia:
Four Loko’s potential danger comes from mixing a stimulant (caffeine) with a depressant (alcohol). When alcohol and caffeine are combined people report feeling reduced sensations typically associated with alcohol believed to result from caffeine counteracting the depressive effects thus keeping the individual more alert. However, when the caffeine wears off the person feels the full effects of the alcohol. This can lead to excess consumption of alcohol because of the delayed ‘drunk’ feeling leads an individual to seek additional alcohol to obtain the same sensations as those found in previous encounters.

Tonight I’ll try the Watermelon flavor. Let’s cross our fingers that I don’t black out. It’s a pale pink in color, slightly sparkly. It has a bouquet of fake watermelon flavoring and malt liquor, but I suppose that’s what we should expect.

It’s flavor is… My first impression is watermelon-flavored hairspray. But let’s be more charitable. The flavor is very strong fake watermelon. Like a Jolly Rancher. My friend Julie could probably name the chemical that gives it that flavoring, but she’s not answering my text at the moment. Upon a second tasting, more appropriate to a oenophile such as myself, I detect notes of bold red apple, red berries, and hints of kiwi and mango. The typical flavors associated with most sugary energy drinks is also present; I don’t believe there’s anything that can cover that taurine flavor. The carbonation is pretty fizzy; even after just a couple of sips, I produced some furious belches. One of the burps brought up a flavor of the salmon patties I ate for dinner. It’s not a pleasant combination with the watermelon.

But of course, with a beverage product like this, the flavor is only half of the experience. Going in, I confess to being a bit sleepy, having woken early to vote, and then working a ten hour shift. While there are no numbers that I can find on the internet, its makers say that it is equivalent to a cup of coffee per can, roughly 100-110mg of caffeine. At this point I’m halfway through the can, and waiting for a caffeine kick to take effect.

I’m the sort of person who drinks whisky straight, and has put down a bottle of wine in a night on occasion, so I’m wondering how this will affect me. The alcohol content is roughly equivalent to four or five beers in one 23.5 oz can. I’m now 2/3rds the way through this can, and starting to feel a bit of fuzziness. I’m laughing at Jeff’s obscene onion ring dip joke, so that’s a sign. I’m not feeling much more wakeful, but perhaps the caffeine is working more on counteracting the alcohol content than waking me up.

To quote Wesley Crusher in a particularly not-good episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, “I feel strange, but also good.” And, that’s how I feel, after finishing the first can. Which is why I’m opening the second can. Also, because Cory challenged me to. This time: fruit punch.

The fruit punch flavor, I will say, I like better than the watermelon. It still tastes like hair spray, but now it tastes like hair spray and a better quality of Jolly Rancher. Now I am laughing waaaaay too hard at Jeff’s He-Man related “Man-E-Lokos” joke, which means this shit is doing its job. Anyway. Color: A darker pink color from the watermelon. The nose? Generic fruity flavors I suppose. That sort of fruitiness that no fruit on earth smells like. Let’s dig into the flavors shall we? The flavor is quite a bit like Hawaiian Punch. Amazingly so. And of course, the energy drink/malt liquor flavor on top of the Hawaiian Punch flavor.

How do I feel, a can and a half into Four Lokos? Time for a sit-rep. I’m pretty well-buzzed at this point. The caffeine is helping to fight off the drunk feeling. But I’m starting to get sleepy, so it’s not helping enough. I suppose I’m doing better than Cory, but he drank a Loko, had three or four beers, than slammed his second Loko. Whereas I prefer to savor. Or whatever it is you do with a Loko.

Is that a tinge of heartburn I’m feeling? I believe that is. Nearly done with the second can, and I’m starting to get a tummy ache. Not like a “I’m gonna throw up” tummy ache. More like a “I ate too much Burger King” tummy ache. Too much sugar, too much bubbles, and too much of the energy drink stuff, I think. Definitely getting a stomach ache.

It’s now two hours since I started this review. I’ve finished my 47 ounces of Four Lokos. And I’d argue that yes, I am pretty well drunk off this. Not trashed. Not blackout drunk. Not gonna-get-knocked-up-behind-the-middle-school trashed. But pretty well drunk. And my breathing’s gotten pretty noisy, I notice. So yes, Four Lokos has done it’s job. I’m gonna take an Excedrin and go to bed. Good night.

Also check out Chomp co-author Beerorkid’s video review of Loko